Define success… on YOUR terms.

As children, we start developing what we think it means to be successful. We are told what success is by our parents. You might have had parents like mine who encouraged me to do the best I could without giving me a strict definition of what being successful was. Or, you might have had a totally different experience where success was defined for you and consequently, if you didn’t succeed by that definition, you might have felt like a failure.

Warp up a few decades from when I was a kid and I see more and more people defining success by other people’s definitions. The internet has definitely been a catalyst for this to become even more noticeable. It’s very easy to constantly compare yourself to thousands of other people online. It’s also very easy to fake accomplishments online, but I’ll get to that.

We’re designed to compare ourselves to others.

Back in 1954, a psychologist named Leon Festinger came up with something called Social Comparison Theory. The basic premise is that humans have a need to self-evaluate and define themselves and will naturally compare themselves to others to fulfill this need. It’s probably one of the more sound psychological premises because we’ve all done it — many of us do it constantly, for better or worse.

So, how you handle a constant barrage of videos, podcasts, TikToks, Instagram feeds, webinars, blog posts, comments and all manner of media being hurled at you where everyone from celebrities and experts in their fields to unknown YouTubers are filling your mind with what success is and how to achieve it, is key.

The “success pushers”...

The success pushers are a group I define as those whose main gig is not selling a particular product, but selling what’s often touted as “insider” or “secret” knowledge about how to be successful.

Ever see one of those sales seminars where some energetic person is talking about their “blueprint” for making a “7 figure income”? For me personally, this is one of the most annoying “success pusher” types. For one, these folks are literally selling you that money = success. Not just that, but you have to clear a million bucks to truly be successful (note: there’s also plenty of the “6 figure income” pushes out there). They often promote themselves as these “self-made” people who hustled their way up from nothing. It’s often a sad mash-up of self-help rhetoric and cheerleading with little bits of info anyone with access to Google can find. In the end, they have an exclusive, special, and/or limited time offer where they’ll actually share all of their hard-won knowledge and “shortcuts” … for a price. Even worse is that now that AI has entered the picture, you have an even more unscrupulous version of this where all of their “secret success knowledge” came right out of ChatGPT.

These “hustlers” offer little actual value. What they offer is basically a form of snake oil — they show you how to enthusiastically create your own program … your own seminar … your own package with information that is in no way new, that you, in turn, sell to people like you… people who are not just desperate for money, they’re desperate for success.

There are success pushers for just about every industry — business, health, finance, etc. They don’t always have something specific to sell, but they push their version of success. Everyone knows someone who continuously posts “inspirational” quotes to their social media channels. Here’s a good one that seems like really good advice, but is a bit of a trap …

“Make your life a masterpiece; imagine no limitations on what you can be, have or do.” Brian Tracy

We can all imagine and we can all dream. Not all of what we imagine or dream is realistic, or more importantly, attainable. When you have no limits it’s much easier to drift further away from reality. When you have no limits, it’s much easier to be disappointed when you don’t actually attain your lofty, imaginary goal. When we have unrealistic expectations, we’re more prone to letting ourselves down, beating ourselves up, and feeling more and more resentful to those who have what we were unable to get.

This is why so many copies of “The Secret” end up at the thrift store. You can’t just say, “I’m going to be a millionaire!” then sit back and wait. The most important thing to remember when dreaming big, is having an actionable plan and doing the work.

A healthier look at success…

I’m no self-proclaimed success guru. I’m just someone who enjoys writing, helping people, sharing my perspective, and sharing things I’ve learned after a bunch of years on the planet.

Only you can truly define your success, but I’ll share what I’ve learned over the years and how my view of success has changed. A simple exercise…

Take a moment, get out a sheet of actual paper and a pen and write out what your current definition of success is on a single topic (for example, career, health, etc.). Don’t overthink this part. Just write down what comes to mind.

Now below that, right why you want that success. Take all the time you need to first think about it and really explore that why.

Buckets of Success

Over time, I’ve realized that there seem to be 4 “buckets” of success:

1. Personalized success– you want to achieve something for purely personal reasons. Example: mastering a hobby you have no intention on monetizing / are doing it for pure fun and enjoyment and a feeling of personal accomplishment. Achieving something you personally challenged yourself to achieve can fall into this bucket.
2. Personalized success with expanding benefits– a lot can fall into this bucket because you may achieve something to improve yourself personally, but there are additional benefits that come with it that may also positively impact other areas of your life and/or those around you. For example, you improve your health by eating better and working out. You physically look and feel better, you’re able to do more activities with your significant other, friends and family. Another example is when you set out to achieve something, let’s say, make a million dollars, so that you can then donate money to causes close to your heart or be financially self-sufficient enough that you can spend time helping others. I also lump “lifestyle” goals into this bucket. For example, your success is being able to be a digital nomad and traveling the world.
3. Non-personalized success– this is when you’re motivated by achieving something for some ulterior motive. Things that you think might impress others but don’t have a real interest in yourself might fall into this bucket. A classic example may be someone who finds out the person they’re interested in dating is super into guitarists, so you learn guitar not because you’re interested in that, but you’re interested in trying to get closer to the person you’re interested in.
4. Success defined by others– this can often be masked until you truly face that the reason why you’re striving for something is because somewhere along the way you were either told or developed the thought that you needed to do it in order to be “successful”. An example is you’re told by your parents that you must go to a 4 year university and get a degree or you “won’t amount to anything”. Another example is objectifying success (often with a touch of hidden envy)–your friend just bought a big house and has a nice car and seems happy and you want that too.

No judgement here, but I personally like to stay in buckets 1 and 2 because “success” achieved in buckets 3 and 4 is not the type that really makes me feel good at the end of the day. It’s an unfulfilling success–especially when you realize after achieving it that you are not, in fact, “happier”. It can also lead to chasing other versions of “success” that are just as off-base and unfulfilling. This is why I recommend thoroughly exploring your why not just every time you set out to achieve a new goal, but to sort through your own definitions of what you consider successful.

The reality is that success is a spectrum. It’s okay that it changes. What you once thought was successful, may not be anymore. Carefully review it now and then to make sure that you’re not striving to achieve someone else’s version. Define it on your terms.